Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"Oh, I think my cousin's roommate vacationed there last summer..."

People love to respond to statements like "Hmm, I can't decide if I want to see Observe & Report" or "So I found out today that my boss went to Gettysburg College" with automatic responses like "Oh, I think my high school friend saw that last week..." or "Yeah, this girl I went to camp with went there..."

It's this weird, instinctual reaction people have to immediately relate what you just said to one of their acquaintances or co-workers or relatives or imaginary celebrity friends (i.e. "Oh, I'm pretty sure Angelina ate there when she was in NYC..."). When it happens, you just sorta take it in and nod absently (or maybe say "Oh, really?") and then keep talking because, well, there's really no way to respond, right?

Monday, April 27, 2009

sense of moomor

On Friday night my family went to a restaurant called "Moo..." for dinner.


It's one of those "hip," expensive dining establishments where the bread is prepared more thoughtfully than the typical entree at most other restaurants. (The food was fine, though I made the inexplicable choice to order that ole steakhouse standby: mac & cheese with lobster.)

Now, clearly the name of the restaurant is ridiculous, but I want to say it's like somehow too ridiculous to really make fun of in any sort of original way? All you can really do is just bask in it. But, of course, that didn't stop me!

First, this:

"This grass was chewed by a cow and then recycled into art," I told my mom about the "artistic" grass display in the middle of the table. "The waiter told me."

And then this:

"What did one cow say to the other cow about his evening at the restaurant?" I asked my family as we waited for the dessert menus to come.

"Udder embarrassment?" my dad responded.

"No," I said, eyes a-rollin'. "He said: 'The food was OK but I didn't like the moooooooood.'"

At this point, my brother Sam couldn't resist:

"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Moo who?"
"What's that? Are you a cow owl?"

And it was after hearing that joke that a NBC exec at the table next to us came over and immediately signed my family for a variety TV show set to premiere next spring.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

musings on my third home

1) Whenever I am kind of unsure about what I'm wearing, I feel a hundred times weirder about it once I step onto the subway. The unflattering lighting + the blank stares + the preexisting insecurity about the tight corduroy pants = trouble.

2) When there's some kind of performer / jokester / homeless person making a scene in the middle of the car, all of the commuters -- who typically, of course, operate as though no one around them exists -- suddenly think it's cool to make sly eye contact and trade sheepish grins with one another. It's this disconcerting "that guy is totally batshit crazy but we're so normal" camaraderie.

3) The subway situation I find to be most awkward is when a seat frees up and you kind of eye it and then look up and realize the pony-tail girl with the backpack is sort of itching toward it, too. You hesitate in order to let her sit, but she stops herself, too. "I've been sitting all day," she says, "you take it." But obviously you look like a weirdo if you sit at this point, so you guffaw (guffaw!) and insist, but the whole thing has been going on for too long at this point, so she doesn't sit either (she brushes her hair back with her hand). So you both just stand there until you reach the next stop, neither of you taking the seat.

Friday, April 17, 2009

a sucky situation

This is the week I became aware of my addiction. It's so serious, y'all.

Here's the back story: in October, this doctor told me to buy some Halls honey-lemon cough drops (yes, he specified the flavor) and have at 'em. I didn't know it then, but this doctor would basically become my Oprah (by which I mean, of course, that he appears on the cover of my monthly, self-indulgent, (metaphorical) magazine every month).

I know this is going to sound weird, but it's actually sort of hard for me to describe in words how good these things taste. It's sort of like if someone combined Diet Coke and pornography and Orbit gum and condensed it into a tiny cough drop and flavored it with honey! Even after I "got better," and no longer technically needed the drops, I kept on buying 'em and sucking on 'em. I couldn't stop.

Which is why this past week has been so utterly tragic. I ran out of drops this past weekend and have since been to SIX Duane Reades (and one CVS) in various Manhattan locations and - get this - at every single one, inexplicably, the ONLY Halls cough drops that were out of stock were the sugarless honey-lemon variety. ALL OF THE OTHER HUNDRED FLAVORS WERE THERE - BUT NO HONEY-LEMON. The only reasonable explanation for this is that there are hundreds of people like me, scattered throughout New York City, harboring this same honey-lemon addiction, visiting Duane Reades to get their fix, and shaking their fists in fury (what I do) when they realize they have been outplayed by the others. Either that... or they were recalled due to the discovery of some sort of illegal addictive ingredient.

There will be no peace until I have my hands on those suckers.

Monday, April 13, 2009

i jest wont to now lol it's true

A few days ago, I was feeling off-the-wall CRAZY at work... so I left the office, went to a hair salon and I shaved my head.

Nope, that's not the truth. What I actually did was saunter into Duane Reade and buy Doritos. In my little life, that is my version of "shaving my head." It's Duboff, bitch.

Anyway, I e-mailed my friend David about my impulse buy and he wrote back the following:
"cooler ranch or nacho? I'm guessing cooler ranch for you."

Now, aside from this e-mail leading to a furious Googling sesh to determine the exact name of the flavor (finding: it used to be "Cooler Ranch" up until a few years ago -- now it's the unquestionably less rad "Cool Ranch"), it also got me thinking... I am a Cool Ranch kind of guy, aren't I? I had never really thought about the world in those kind of terms before, as I had just always assumed everyone liked Cool Ranch better. But clearly, that's not the case.

As I started to think about it, I decided that Cool Ranch fanatics are probably a bit more low-key; that slight kick from the green and red specks in the Cool Ranch chip representing our individuality (OMG, what am I writing??). I guess my people are probably a bit more image-conscious, choosing the hipper blue over the gauche/offensive red. We would rather avoid the Nacho nastiness left on our hands when we are done eating, the guilty feeling of having consumed all that processed cheese (because Cool Ranch chips obviously are not made of processed cheese or anything). We just want to chilllll.

But, even after this (clearly very academic) thought process, my desire for answers had not been sated. Time for more internet! I was able to find a (totally) definitive answer to my question of which chip people preferred on the always reliable Yahoo! Answers.

First of all, I'm happy so many people were willing to help dashaee out, because the girl clearly needed to be put out of her misery - I mean, she "jest wonts to now lol." Now that is the cry of a girl who just needs some answers - am I right? (I am also totes gonna use "BE CUZ" from now on.)

The responses to Dashaee's query were pretty much split, but my favorite response has gotta be meltedice268's. She has SO MUCH EXPERIENCE, you guys - check it out.

With that resume, the girl should basically be a professional taste tester.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

things i've noticed recently

1) Lost in this whole Facebook redesign hubbub is the fact that the list of birthdays is now relegated to the bottom right of the home page; and, additionally, it's now formatted in such a way that it's sorta hard to even tell when the listed friends' birthdays actually are. I guess the upside is that this will allow us to separate our true friends from those that are just really good at faking it. Because obviously the complete and only definition of a "true friend" is "one who knows your birthday without the aid of technology."

2) Clearly the Gmail elves have been watching too much "Lost" this season as now, whenever I send an e-mail, Gmail immediately informs me I sent it "negative one" minutes ago (i.e. one minute in the future). Hey Google, maybe you guys wanna spend some time, I dunno, resetting your clocks... rather than putting the fine touches on your "Very Hungry Caterpillar"-themed Google home page logo?

3) Clearly the only things I am "noticing" recently are internet-related which is a) not that surprising considering I spend 92% of my non-sleeping life in front of a laptop and b) ugh.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

our first ever CONTEST!

I was walking down 2nd Avenue with Liz on Friday night when I shared something I had been thinking about for the whole evening (ever since someone had mentioned Kirsten Dunst at lunch).

"So I thought of this pick up line that I really want someone to use..."


"It's kind of weird."

"What is it?" (Liz knows by know that I will always take at least 30 seconds to get to the point.)

"Can I call you Kirsten Dunst, girl, 'cause you're crazy beautiful?"

Liz placated me with a laugh and then her headband flew off into the wind (...but that's a blog post for a whole 'nother time). But it got me thinking... I've been wanting to do something fun and daring and zany on the blog for a while now and this is a golden opportunity. That's right, I'm launching the first ever TxtMsgBtl CONTEST.

Send me your best pop culture-related pick up line (, or comment on this post). Submit as many as you like. Deadline: 5 p.m. this Friday. I know you can beat mine.

I will pick my favorite and promise that the winner will receive an excellent prize.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

weird fans on the block

Yep, the people staying in the room across the hall from me in this hotel affixed four 8.5 x 11 inch photographs of the members of New Kids on the Block on their door. Oh you know, totally normal hotel behavior.

You know you've got something serious on your hands when the three-hole punched plastic sleeves come out.