Can I just start this post with the assumption that you know by now that I am an OCD creature-of-habit kind of guy? Good.
So it will probably surprise exactly zero of you that I like to take care of my Facebook notifications promptly, to say the least. If a friend ever logs on to her Facebook in my vicinity and I see she has 14 outstanding friend requests, a handful of group invitations, like 87 events and of course a hateful "What kind of vampire are you?" or "Water balloon fight request" hanging around, it's hard for me to not twitch and yelp... or just maniacally go through and take care of all of her requests for her right then and there.
I am militant about things like this. I remove the events I don't want pestering me right away, I click "ignore" in response to almost every group invite I get and I rarely quibble about accepting friends. However, for the past few weeks, I have been utterly disturbed by two friend requests that just won't leave me alone: Laurie and Renee. Unless they seem extremely odd/disconcerting, I normally just accept rando friend requests (I know, not what you'd expect, right? Text Message Outside of the Bottle!). However, in this case, I just can't bring myself to accept or reject Laurie and Renee (whose last names are blurred out in this image as if they are sex offenders or something).
There is something about this tandem that's really intriguing to me, similarities between the gals I can't help but dwell on.
- The requests came a day apart about a month ago.
- In each case, I have no idea who the girl in question is and we have no mutual friends.
- Also, I only have one image to work with for each lady. And this is where things get complex. In neither case do I know if the girl on the left or the girl on the right in the picture is the actual Laurie/Renee. This has led to excessive deliberation on my part. I mean, those two potential Lauries have GOTSTA be sisters, right?! Or are they maybe just cousins...? And at first my opinion of Renee hinged on whether she was the blonde or the brunette: but now I have convinced myself that the two potential Renees are totes clones but with different colored wigs! I'm serious: check out their facial structures! Identical!
- In addition to all of these undeniable similarities, Renee and Laurie are also both names of the kind of girls who are in the Mean Girl posses but who aren't actually the Queen Bee. Laurie isn't a Sandra Bullock. She's a Sandra Bullock's subservient best friend.
For the past few weeks, when I log out of Facebook each night, I linger on the home page and am DESTROYED by these two friend requests. I can almost hear Laurie and Renee, drunkenly dancing to "Poker Face" and pointing their fingers at me and laughing as they take pictures of themselves with their digital cameras. (<-- This is "Unfair Assumptions Based on Facebook Profile Pictures" in action, folks).
I'll have this fleeting flurry of "Why the frak are you thinking so much about this, Josh?" frustration and almost reject them both, but this is almost always immediately followed by a sense of fear that they are trying to convey a message of some kind to me or that they are like secretly my long-lost cousins or something. How did they find me? I wonder, What caused them to click "Add Josh as a friend"? This is why I don't sleep at night, you guys.
Laurie and Renee (or maybe you're the same person? I'd believe anything at this point...), wherever you may be right now (in your bed watching "Grey's" DVDs? with your girlzzz at the clubbb?), I hope you're doing better than me, who just spent an hour seriously pondering your existences and writing seven paragraphs about it.