Tuesday, January 12, 2010

david and the ice queen

Saturday night, my friend Allison and I arrived obscenely early to a showing of "Youth in Revolt" (we are just the biggest Steve Buscemi fans). We made note of the 8 or 10 other cool cats hovering around the door and then took a spot waiting by a pillar. A few minutes later, this guy who looked like a cross between "Confessions of a Shopoholic" Hugh Dancy and Asperger's "Adam" Hugh Dancy came bounding over to us. He was dressed like an American Eagle ad.

"Hey, uh, this is 'Youth in Revolt,' right?" We nodded. "So... where do you guys like to sit in the theater?" Not what I was expecting as a follow-up! Speechless, and salivating at all of the awkward avenues this nascent convo might take, I deferred to Allison.

"The middle of the back?" she said, in that interrogative tone you use with people who fall into this "it is too early to tell if you are either overly friendly or sociopathic" category.

"Well, I'm waiting for my date... and - I know this is a lot to ask - but would you guys be willing to... uh... save a seat for us? I want to head down to wait since I'm here so much earlier."

It immediately dawned on me that saving a seat for Dancy and his date would mean sitting next to them the entire movie, which probably would have weirded me out way more if he hadn't looked like a relative of Nate Archibald. Allison and I shared a quick look and I was vaguely reminded of that queasy feeling you get when a homeless person accosts you in an enclosed space.

But we said "sure." He shook our hands ("I'm David!") and wiped his brow, but he stopped short right before taking off. He reached into his pocket and pulled out... a $20 bill. "Can I give this to you guys for being so nice?" Sort of incredulous at the overly generous offer, we quickly shook our heads. He persisted: "You're sure I can't get you guys like a Diet Coke or popcorn?" As tempted as we (read: me) were, we said "no" again (we are madddd moral)... But as soon as he rounded the corner, we burst into breathless hypothesizing. Why was David so much earlier than his date?! What would his date look like?! (Would it be a guy or a girl?!) Should we have taken the money?! I felt like I was at a commercial break during "Gossip Girl" waiting impatiently to see who would be coming out of the limo to take Serena to the cotillion. (Yikes, my "Less Gossip Girl references" New Year's resolution AIN'T GOING SO WELL.)

About twenty minutes later, we were waiting in the line that had formed to get into the movie... and Allison spotted David approaching! His date, clad in a leather jacket and legit PAINTED with makeup, looked like Megan Fox crossed with a Russian gymnast. David, smiley as ever, led her to Allison and me in line. "Hey, so, uh, can we join you guys?"

"You know them?" Fox sneered, smacking her gum.

"Yeah," David said. "Josh and Allison!" The fact that he remembered our names almost made up for the fact that I felt like his date could potentially be a vampire angling to eat me. When we got into the theater, they sat across the aisle from us. Of course, as I am an Us Weekly gossip columnist at heart (slash in my fantasies), I was almost as captivated by David and his Ice Queen as I was by the movie. She never took off her leather jacket and didn't so much as offer more than a glance at her kind companion. He laughed nervously at every Michael Cera quip and kept his hands nervously on his knees throughout. At one point, overly caught up in their dynamic, I pulled out my Blackberry to take a picture of them. . . when I realized that Ice Queen would probably see me and get me arrested or something. And, uh, also: THERE IS SOMETHING SRSLY WRONG WITH ME I WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM.

I was ensconced in their drama, wondering how they had met, if this was their first date, if there was a scorned Jennifer Aniston somewhere in the mix. When the movie ended and I turned to my left, they were already gone. And I couldn't help but feel both deflated and elated at once. Michael Cera always ends up getting the Quirky Girl; what's exciting is what you can't predict and what you'll never know.

4 comments:

leonor said...

I am totally confused by David's behavior. how did he meet this girl? why did he act like he KNEW you and your friend?

this story needs a proper ending!

you need to post on one of those missed connection sites to get the rest of the story!

Anonymous said...

You are an AMAZING writer. This particular post demonstrated your ability to build suspense and totally got me to relate to exactly how you were feeling -- I was so excited to find out what his date was going to look like!!

Lisa said...

this is the most epic shite i have ever read

Anonymous said...

This might be the funniest/weirdest thing I have read all year.