Monday, January 25, 2010

road block

Back in 2008, I wrote a sort of ode to the Starbucks "splash stick," the green piece of plastic that you stick in your cup to prevent unwanted splash (that description makes it sound like some sort of illicit medical equipment). Anyway, since I know you all have been CLAMORING for more posts about the perils of spilling coffee, I decided I couldn't not serve up another, especially after what happened to me this morning.

The splash stick (that name just doesn't quite sound right, does it?) has become a regular fixture in my morning routine, to the point where my BFF barista (we've worked things out) just sticks one right into my drink before handing it to me. But, lately, with no sort of explanation or warning, they've been all out of the green heaven sticks. This has been a MAJOR PROBLEM as it has meant I frequently have to carry my hot coffee onto the (crowded) subway with no sort of mechanism for preventing serious spillage.

Usually in these stress-inducing cases, I just concentrate really hard on holding my coffee really carefully amongst the throngs of surly businessmen and quirky twentysomethings ( “quirky twentysomethings” = such a great description). This morning though, uh, let's just say I didn’t succeed so much with “being careful." I was standing in front of a woman who was sitting smugly, reading a book ("The Road") that was resting on her lap on top of a "look at my knit bag" kind of knit bag. Her expression was disgruntled/pretentious and I imagined she was probably some sort of analyst at a think tank... or, like, a clerk at H&M.

Anyway, I was examining her ear piercings, when all of a sudden a bark from her general direction shook me out of my Ke$ha-colored reverie. I took my headphones out and squinted at her (it always takes a few seconds to really comprehend that a stranger on the subway is actually talking to you). "Um, seriously?" she scowled. I took a half-step back and noticed the suit to my right was looking at me all disgustedly. Knit Bag pointed at her lap and I saw that the pages of her book were legit DAMP... with my spilled coffee. I looked at my hand and noticed there was coffee all over the top of my cup and a few drops on my wrist. The grossness of the whole situation combined with the claustrophobia of the packed subway combined with the blatant (and justified?) hostility of Knit Bag almost caused me to just pass out right then and there. Instead I mustered the MOST FEEBLE "I am so sorry" ever, like imagine how April from "Parks and Rec" would react in this situation.

She gave me this super bitchy eye roll as she dramatically reached into her prized knit bag and took out some crumpled up tissues, which she proceeded to press on the pages of her book as if that would make any difference. Meanwhile, because the train was so packed and there was nowhere to move, I had no choice but to just stand like right on top of her, unable to look away, in agony. "Again," I said a minute later, "I'm just so sorry. You know how it is with... coffee?" (Correct, that question makes NO SENSE.) She did not respond.

A few seconds later the train stopped short and I realized in that instant that the only thing worse than blatantly spilling coffee onto a girl's lap on a subway would be if I did it TWICE. Like the pro athlete I am, I jerked the cup in my direction... and the resulting (not insignificant) spillage landed on my coat. Knit Bag looked up at me and my soiled coat and my disgusting coffee cup and unshaven face and dangling headphones and she somehow made her frown look even more judgmental which made me feel like some kind of Russell Brand-esque monster (don't ask). And then she returned to "The Road."

5 comments:

David S. said...

omg, Knit Bag = 21st Century Wife of Bath. you should've asked her out to lunch. and then spilled on her some more.

Anonymous said...

I am cringing on your behalf. This is (one of) my worst nightmare(s).

Matt said...

I think the technical name is actually "Sip Saver". And I have also noticed a shortage of these... I think Starbucks may be cutting back for environmental reasons or something, it seems like the little cardboard sleeves have gotten thinner too. Anyways, this Sip Saver shortage is a major problem for me too because every time I hit a bump in my truck coffee shoots out of my cup like Old Faithful. Unfortunately I'm the one who normally gets burned.

Jamie said...

I love those little sticks and I also think Starbucks is getting stingy with them. I bought two coffees last night and when I asked for some splash sticks-the kid only gave me one and then slammed the drive thru window shut. I really only needed one but I still wanted two.

Anonymous said...

You can bend a plastic straw in half and it works just as well as the sip saver.